Windshields and Rear Views

My readers (you are so kind) have been not so subtly poking me about not writing often enough lately, and friends, I hear you. I’ll spare you all the reasons I’ve been elsewhere and cut right to the chase. For me, writing is not a daily task, it’s where I go to process. Unless I have discernible cud to chew on (have I been spending too much time around cattle? nah, not possible <3), the writing you’ve come to expect from me isn’t possible. Something has to be trying to get born in my mind and my soul.

Lately it’s been a lot, a Lot, A LOT of input, only just now turning to output.

And then…

Well, THEN it tends to come holy duck-for-cover waves.

Several topics to come: my friend Rachel’s challenge to me to bridge the turbulent waters between what she calls my innocent and my fierce; my razor sharp epiphany about what I want to my life’s work (read: career) to accomplish; my clarity about the kind of spirituality I’m looking for in a life partner.

Tonight, however, a small nod to the past.

Y’all, Cowboy’s getting married.

But more importantly, no biggie.

That’s right. No biggie. It hurt for a second, I laughed for a minute, and then it was done. Now, if you flip back about, oh, 10 entries or so, you’d see a woman just undone without this Cowboy. Today, she’s a mix of grateful, sad, and peaceful. Grateful that I was released from that situation before I could have been REALLY hurt, the kind you don’t always bounce back from. Sad, because I’ll always love him a bit and don’t think he’s making all he could of his life. And peaceful, because my goodness have I learned that I am NOT in charge of everybody.

I can’t help but chuckle at the fact that not ten minutes after receiving this news, I was quite literally sent into the field to help a birthing cow mama for the first time. Her little (uh, actually ENORMOUS) one was twisted and wasn’t coming into this world without our help. Nearly two hours later, steaming and slimy, big boy bull came thudding into the world and with some rub downs and smacks to get that heart beating, he was here to stay.

Death one moment, life another.

The chapter of Cowboy in my life has been long ended, but only just completely closed. My head SPINS at all that has changed, both in my life and WHOA in my own spirit, since that chapter. I’m not sure when, but I emerged a badass. Still trying (and failing often) to retain my vulnerability and humility and curiosity, but I’ll be honest, a bit of a force to be reckoned with, now searching for the best ways to put it to use in the world.

My friend Sam says you if you spend your life looking in the tiny rear view mirror, you’ll miss the big view out the windshield. He’s totally right, but sometimes a quick glance backwards puts the road traveled and ahead into perspective. So, perspective gained.

Change, you pesky, sneaky thing.

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