“If you don’t change directions, you’ll end up where you’re going.”
I’ve been in place of significant confusion and frustration for several months now. Not long ago, I had come to such a wonderful time where everything was surprising and lovely, and I got there because I intentionally changed my direction. My mindset was one of nothing to lose and everything to gain, and that freedom allowed me to make a myriad of tiny choices and adjustments that altogether delivered me to the most awake place I’d ever been in my life. I spent my days doing something I loved and being insanely happy. I found a man who captured my heart. I shared my writings and found an unbelievable little community of people sharing in and growing from my own experiences and insights. I went to places that stopped my heart and saw things I can never forget. All because changing directions felt easy and harmless.
But then things fell apart, as they do, and I think I was in a bit of a fog. I took a job that looked good, but has basically crushed my soul, and even though I know I’m going to get out, I’ve already become reattached to the misleading sense of stability it brought. But does stability bring happiness? Absolutely not. If anything, it can stunt it. It can shrink us into creatures of fear and greed and anxiety and let me tell you I will NOT go back to that life. So I prayed.
As they say, when we pray, God doesn’t give us results, He gives us opportunities. (And by “they”, I mean when Evan Almighty was playing in the break room on TV the other day at work). Well, I have been praying, praying prayers of desperation, and that is a dangerous move, because when you lay it out like that and really mean it, you are bound to get results. I prayed the scariest pray you can: “God, anything. I will take/do/have ANYTHING You have for me, because if YOU have it for me, I cannot help but find joy and purpose and strength again.”
So, it seems like He heard me, because He has been delivering on EVERYTHING I’m afraid of. God is stringing together a thousand small pinpricks of possibilities, while my timid heart has always looked for and depended on one BIG thing. I’m not a hustler. I like one solid paycheck, not a dozen freelance gigs. Yet for the freedom and the adventure I’m craving, it couldn’t be any other way. He’s lining up cliff after cliff for me to jump off, each of which requires me to somehow convince myself that I CAN do it. I WILL succeed because I MUST, or face a lifetime of misery and micromanagement.
Really, this all goes back to my birthday prayer, both at 32 and again this year at 33. Bravery. I prayed for bravery and courage. Do you think God simply zaps a button and I suddenly feel brave? No. I pray for bravery and God gives me opportunities to face my fears.
Well, you know what? HERE. WE. GO.