The Quick and The Deaded

I’m lightning. The wind can’t catch me, mighty rivers lag behind. I wish I was talking about my mile time, but alas I’m referring to the extraordinary speed at which I can jump to conclusions and tear the entire universe down around me. 

Today I got a call from the HR director I’ve become acquainted with at a company I adore and dream of working for. She was calling not because of a current job opening, but because after my meetings with some of their leadership a couple of months ago, the people I met with just keep talking about me and think I’m such a great fit that they want me to come spend some time meeting with their PRESIDENT & CEO, so he is already familiar with me for future opportunities.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I said YES, of course, absolutely! However, the time they offered to come in was only a few days but a plane ride away, and I had two previous commitments. I had to decline, but as they requested, sent in my other available dates for the coming month, of which there were many. Then I went home, ate dinner, caught up with my parents, and came upstairs to look at flights.

Then it crept in. 

The doubt. The anxiety. The fear. THE PANIC.

What had I done?? Who in their right mind declines a meeting time offered to them with the President & CEO of one of their dream companies? Who doesn’t just say “Fuck the cost and my other responsibilities! None of that matters in light of this!” Clearly they were going to hate me forever and never contact me again and blacklist me throughout New York City.

As I tumbled downward in a spiral of self-hatred and despair, I realized that I hadn’t experienced this feeling in quite a while. And then I smiled. Because I HADN’T EXPERIENCED THIS FEELING IN QUITE A WHILE. Somewhere in the last several months, I regained enough balance to recognize this foreign and unnatural process called irrational panic I was experiencing. SUCCESS! Being able to step outside of it and point at it as separate from your true self is the next best thing to not experiencing it at all and I am so grateful to be there.

The other voice in my head, the one I control and harness, said “Do you think you should have bailed last-minute on your commitments to those who are reasonably depending on you? Do you really think that is the kind of decision that will lead you to the right situation and the person you want to be? Did you not offer them 73% of the remaining days of the month as options? {Yes I did the math.} Do you actually believe that after all the effusive compliments and dedication they’ve shown you, they’re just gonna blow you off because you were busy one morning?”

Welcome to the recovering mind of a control-freak-anxiety junkie. 

Your imagination is priceless. Don't waste it worrying.

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